see/saw blog

all wanna doo

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One comment on “see/saw blog

  1. I have to at least leave a coment for myself. too sad otherwise. but as I do love myself today, and as I see other women have as their primary goal living their lives as I have lived mine==letting their freak flags fly==but only because I was incapable of hiding myself. I missed class that day, the day they taught you all the secret messages that get passed during conversations telling you who is a ridiculous twit and who is really cool…who is an evil manipulator and who is earnestly loving everything about you…when to shut the fuck up before you empty the room with talk that is totally off the wall, or revolting, or makes peeps terribly uncomfortable. But not you. You aren’t capable of that sort of uncomfortability. You are uncomfortable at a level unfathomable to most kids your age. Certainly to the adults around you who should have cared more and gotten help for you.
    Water under the bridge. Troubled water. Yet there is a bridge. And I’ve become very good at bridges. Which is a marketable skill. And a way to make friends and influence peeps. Without even trying.
    I need people but I dare not make myself important to someone. Then I flop or die on them. What a horror of a responsibility. But that’s a DISTORTION of reality/an acutely aching 13 year old’s reasoning about her mother’s death and the conseqences. Me who never had children. No way in hell would I be responsible for dying on some poor kid of mine. Yeah, we all have to die and the species must be propigated. Thank you all you women willing to take on the task. Especially Ruth. When I am at my worst, I say I am Ruthless. (Ruth was my mom’s name. She was a kind person. Quiet yet strong. But she wasn’t a perfect mom, even when she was alive. Yet I must say she was head and shoulders above much of what I see passing as ‘mothering’ these days. It makes me grateful for the unconditional love I did have for 13 years. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    oh…asleep at the keyboard again…honest, that wasn’t planned…I am falling asleep although it’s not even 1 am. Didn’t sleep at all last night.

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